Jimmy Kimmel, in his annual unfiltered appearance and roast at Disney's upfront, doesn't usually sugarcoat his words, but his Tuesday monologue bore a tinge of existential solemnity. Addressing the crowd of ad buyers gathered in New York, the "Jimmy Kimmel Live" host delivered a poignant message: "I might not see you again. This could very well be our last encounter." He continued, "Over the past 23 years, I've had the privilege of getting to know many of you, and I'm acutely aware that AI is a looming concern for your job security. Yet, I harbor doubts about its capacity to replace you. I refuse to believe that even the most potent computer can replicate your unique contributions. And do you know why? Simply put, no computer desires to do what you do. Your jobs are thankless endeavors. Every year, our audience dwindles, yet we paint a rosier picture, demanding more for less. It's an exhausting charade, I know. We're bothersome and unreasonable, and as a result, you're saddled with unenviable tasks."
"But hey, you at least have jobs, albeit unglamorous ones! Consider the graduates we witnessed this weekend. Their futures are uncertain. Some might struggle to find even the most unappealing employment opportunities. Worst case, they might end up dating someone like Bill Belichick."
After a pre-recorded segment where he auctioned off the naming rights to his soon-to-arrive grandchild, Kimmel took the stage and unleashed his usual barbs at competitors CBS ("led by their hit comedy 'Ghosts,' which is aptly named for their imminent audience demographic") and NBCUniversal ("Versant is an apt moniker; it already sounds like something you accidentally subscribed to"). However, he reserved his harshest wit for his own employer. Here are some highlights from his upfront performance:
On the status of network TV: "Typically, I emerge here to divert your attention from our impending demise. Yet, somehow, network television has risen again, akin to Jesus! Among the four majors—NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox—only one has managed to avoid a year-over-year decline in viewership [ABC was stagnant this season]. I won't disclose which one; it's immaterial, and please, don't ask. Just rejoice for us."
On NBC: "NBC's chairman of global advertising, Mark Marshall, boasts that his network boasts 'the greatest collection of content ever assembled by a media company.' I assume Mark has never ventured into PornHub's realm."
Additionally: "Ultimately, this is a penis-sizing competition, and NBC still boasts the largest: Dick Wolf, the Michael Jordan of character actors meeting their untimely demise in parks."
On ABC's lack of new shows this fall: "At least CBS and Fox are churning out new content. ABC, on the other hand, greenlit a single spinoff. This prompts the question: What are we even doing here? Did we risk our necks flying into Newark for this? Imagine a waiter at a restaurant offering 'last year's fish' as a special. Would you indulge?"
On younger viewers' TV habits: "A Deloitte survey revealed that Gen Z and millennial viewers spend more time on social media than watching TV. Really? Did we need a survey to confirm that? Fuck you, Deloitte! And, you know what? Fuck those unappreciative Gen Z slackers too! Oh, you're too cool for 'Match Game'? Guess what? When you have kids and crave a 'Moana' fix to silence those brats for two hours, you'll crawl back to Disney like stray dogs."
On the upcoming ESPN streaming platform: "They held a conclave, and a wisp of white smoke emerged from Jimmy Pitaro's rear. And the new service, designed to deliver live content to millions worldwide, shall be named—brace yourselves—'ESPN.' Hence, they dub us Imagineers."
Kimmel concluded with an unusual plea to advertisers to invest in a show on another network—CBS's "60 Minutes." "I know it's not part of our multi-platform portfolio, but please support '60 Minutes.' They deserve it. You wield the power, backed by your money. Support journalism. It's vital, and it can't thrive without your backing."
