Carrie Fisher's love continues to resonate with her loved ones, even nine years after her passing in the Star Wars actress's 69th birthday. Her daughter, Billie Lourd, shared a poignant insight into how she explained her mother's demise to her and husband Austen Rydell's 5-year-old son, Kingston. "The other night my son asked me how she died," Billie wrote in an Instagram post on October 21st. "I told him that she didn't take care of her body - telling him the truth without the whole truth. 'Oh but I take care of my body!' Yes, I replied, 'Yes you do! And I do too and daddy does too!' Death isn't looming at our doorsteps the way it was for her. That's a conversation for later years."
Billie added, "He didn't push for more answers, so we left it at that. But it broke my heart. And made me mad at her." Carrie's December 2016 death at the age of 60 was ultimately ruled a heart attack, with sleep apnea as a contributing factor. However, the actress had been candid during her lifetime about her struggles with drug addiction and alcoholism.
For Billie, who also shares daughter Jackson, 2, with Austen, her mother's physical history has added a layer to her grief. "It's weird being mad at a dead person because you don't really have anywhere to put the emotion," the 33-year-old wrote. "But it's still there, and I've had to learn to allow myself to feel all the things - mad at her for not getting sober but also sad for her that she wasn't able to get sober but also happy that she existed at all."
Though Billie added, "She never got to meet her grandchildren and see them grow into the magical, smart, and hilarious creatures they are today." Despite her own complicated feelings, Billie wants her children to know the best parts of who their grandmother was. "She was a brilliant magical human and I want them to know that," the Scream Queens actress said. "On these days, I try to celebrate the good parts. I'll tell my kids funny stories about her, watch one of her movies, eat one of her favorite foods, and have a Coke with a ton of ice."
As she navigates her grief, which Billie described as "a weird soup of feelings" with "a lot of ingredients in it that are hard to swallow," she also feels gratitude. "Ultimately, I think the soup has made me healthier," she wrote. "More cognizant of how short life is and more appreciative of all the happiness in my life." She concluded, "Happy birthday momby. I miss you and love you more than you could ever know."
