As the curtains draw inexorably closer on Modern Family's second season, we valiantly lift our chins, scanning for rays of sunshine in a series that has left us somewhat underwhelmed this entire stretch. Determined to uncover some humor, we scoured through this week's episode, and lo and behold, we did find them! Alas, these gems were somewhat obscured by some tackily tacked-on subplots, akin to an ill-fitted fake beard in a school play you eagerly anticipate but can barely enjoy due to a brawl between two elderly gentlemen outside the gymnasium.
The Pritchett-Dunphys witnessed two significant milestones this week. Initially, Phil unveiled his new real estate ad campaign, boasting, "I can't be satisfied until you're satisfied!" - a slogan that wrapped itself around the family minivan like a loving embrace. Secondly, Haley's SAT results arrived, revealing scores that were, to Alex's astonishment, merely mediocre. This prompted an all-around "medium-five" celebration from the proud parents, while Lesbian Sandals (Alex) stewed in silence - until Haley nonchalantly shrugged, hinting that college might not be her cup of tea after all. (Sarah Hyland delivered a brilliant, timing-perfect comic moment, announcing her thoughts and then flouncing out of the room with a chirpy "Bye!") Claire and Haley spent the afternoon in the minivan, embarking on errands while Claire extolled the virtues of college life: Haley's impending independence, the ease of academics, how she'd be the apple of every boy's eye due to her cuteness, how it would be the best chapter of her life, and how her future was laid out like a red carpet. However, as is par for the course in Claire's world where nothing escapes being directly about her, her narrative quickly pivoted to how her glory days were but a distant memory.
Fortunately, Claire unwittingly cruised around town in a vehicle bearing the slogan "I can't be satisfied!" on one side, while the other displayed her smiling visage accompanied by the enticing phrase "I can make your dreams come true!" alongside Haley's spirited dancing figure. Needless to say, Claire and Haley garnered quite a few honks and waves from passersby. Meanwhile, Phil had come to the realization that his minivan advertisement might not be entirely appropriate (his bewildering phone conversation with a potential "client" stood out as Ty Burrell's finest moment of the week) and endeavored to keep Claire and Haley in the dark about their temporary role as escorts, even skipping Luke's school play to manually scrape off the offensive decal. However, his efforts proved futile, and the ladies eventually discovered the truth. Haley was horrified, and Claire was initially appalled as well. But then Phil revealed that most of the calls he received were for "the hot blonde," which seemed to appease Claire. It turned out that her earlier concerns, sparked by her conversation with Haley, were less about existential ponderings and more about the panic of "Oh no, I might not be considered hot anymore," a fear easily alleviated by numerous horny motorists mistaking her for an upscale prostitute and calling her husband's cellphone.
As for the Pritchett-Delgados, for a spell, Manny's precocious romantic escapades seemed poised to become a recurring joke on the show. While we're disappointed that this aspect has faded throughout the current season, we're glad it hasn't been killed by overexposure. Nevertheless, we could have enjoyed a more substantial taste of this storyline during last night's episode: Manny waiting patiently by the phone, hoping for a call from a girl named Emma? Absolutely! Manny confronting Emma at play practice to confess his feelings? Go for it, little buddy! Manny's attempts being foiled by Luke, who pretended to be a T-Rex/droid hybrid, cracking jokes, making Emma giggle, and brushing Manny off, seemingly setting the stage for a hilarious and adorable Manny-Luke showdown? Oh my goodness! Instead, hello to Jay's brother, whom we'd never heard of before! He's balding, crusty, harsh, much like Jay, but his accent hints at a completely different upbringing. We're supposed to care about him, despite their relationship consisting solely of verbal and physical sparring, whiskey theft, and booby-trapping armchairs for each other. This left Gloria baffled, causing her to spout a rapid succession of Colombian names, which was the only humorous moment Sofia Vergara had in the entire episode, a real shame. Then Jay learned that his brother had prostate cancer, and the tone shifted to something more serious...sort of. They attended Manny and Luke's school play but ended up bolting during the show to hash out their deeply repressed masculine emotions in the parking lot. Normally, we'd welcome Jay baring his softer side, but during the entire time the men were hashing out their brotherly love, our interest was firmly fixed on what was transpiring back in the gym.
The Pritchett-Tuckers: A Theatrical Frenzy Unfolds in the Gym
What transpired within the gym's confines was nothing short of a middle school musical meltdown, masterminded by Cameron, whose renowned theatrical aspirations had been sidelined for an interminable season and a half before finally finding their stage. Assuming the role of a teacher, whom he may or may not have indirectly undermined through viral means, Cameron embarked on a revolutionary overhaul of the entire production. He penned original tunes ("From Zimbabwe to Algeria, come on, let me hear-y-a, these are the countries, these are the countries," among others), choreographed mesmerizing stage sequences, and bestowed upon the spectacle a cohesive theme where none had existed before. ("Their show was aimless until I gave it direction," he boasted. "I unified it under the global umbrella.")
A mutiny brewed during dress rehearsal, yet Cameron remained unyielding, vocalizing his frustration about how the children would forever remember being "Sondheimized" by him. Regrettably, we were privy to but fleeting, tantalizing glimpses of the actual performance. Had the plot lingered on the kids for more than the fleeting 30 seconds allowed, it undoubtedly would have ranked among the series' funniest installments. (Alternatively, if your parents ever taped one of your elementary school dramas, you'd have a firsthand comedy goldmine right there.)
Luke found himself ensnared in a harness, delivering gems like, "I can feel my heartbeat in my eyeballs!" (a nod to Ralph Wiggum's quips), but each time a fresh wave of children clad in "native attire" stormed the stage, belting out comically simplistic tunes about various world nations, amidst collapsing sets and malfunctioning special effects, the scene would abruptly shift to a less humorous tableau – Jay and his brother. Gentlemen, we empathize with your prostate woes and stunted emotional growth, but might you kindly wait until these white, 11-year-olds conclude their rendition about China? We overheard a line about Jackie Chan and, frankly, our curiosity piqued more by that than by your half-hearted brotherly bonding. We were grateful for the grand "WE LOVE THE F WORD" finale, but we still eagerly anticipate some redeeming season-two DVD extras.
