On the eve of Valentine's Day, we are introduced to Phil Dunphy's alter ego, Clive Bixby, a connoisseur of turtlenecks, a walking encyclopedia of pickup lines, and a mastermind behind high-end electro-acoustic transducer designs (embrace the absurdity; he captivates you effortlessly). Though his fleeting cameo falls short of his previous grand entrances, any appearance by Bixby is a welcome delight.
This recent rendezvous between Clive and Julianna sparks a whimsical notion in Phil's mind: that he possesses an irresistible, almost deadly sensuality capable of inducing a heart condition in his wife. (And the doctor's refutation of this theory merely suggests a prejudice against charming fellows, he thinks.)
Ultra-libidinous Claire makes her second appearance within a span of just a few episodes, eager to reignite her passion with Phil once more. (Is this a holiday tradition? Hot and horny holidays, perhaps?) Alas, the Dunphy trio has a well-oiled system for partying when the parents are away, and it's in full swing. Phil's weekly line, "Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now," serves as a humorous testament to how much the show's writers adore catering to his ego. Their plans for a indulgent Best No. 1 USA Coca-Cola Good Time Massage are thwarted when the kids burst into the bedroom, insisting that Claire has suffered a heart attack. Phil's subsequent nosebleed, splattering himself and Claire, pays homage to his zombie roots in "Dawn of the Dead." This Valentine's Day will certainly not be a night of passion.
Barely a third into the episode, we're greeted by a tender moment that typically precedes the credits. What's going on here? Wait, where have the rest of the family members been? Ah! Another title card reveals a unique format: the episode is divided into three miniature parts. Well played, Modern Family. Not an outrageous format switch, but a clever way to break up the narrative.
Gloria takes fashion cues from Claire, heralding Silky Outfit Night. She and Jay have been deprived of the acts that make Phil's mouth water for six long weeks, thanks to little Fulgencio Joe. Thus begins a day-long obstacle course leading to the bedroom. The baby is being a true Pritchett (how apt), Lily is visiting for the day, and Manny's romantic notions blind him to the fact that his parents are attempting to rekindle their romance.
An intriguing twist to this narrative unfolds as Gloria candidly confesses her genuine attraction to Jay, a refreshing departure from the usual cinematic and television tropes where attractive women are paired with unappealing, aged, or obese men. Her playful remark about "the drilling... so much drilling" stands out amidst the almost relentless sexual innuendos. However, it becomes evident that this Valentine's Day will not be marked by passionate encounters. Instead, Jay and Gloria's tender, episode-concluding moment underscores their unwavering devotion to their children, prioritizing them over their own romantic inclinations. The scene abruptly shifts to Cam and Mitch, where the funniest segment of the episode is cleverly saved for last. Cam's unadulterated silliness, now given uninterrupted airtime, promises a humorous delight. His lines like "Ogle me" and "Tipsy? You were like all of the Mad Men" are absolute gold. Notably, Cam fulfills the quota for a Silky Outfit Night, albeit in pajama fashion.
It transpires that the Tucker-Pritchetts are the branch of the extended family who pulled off an epic Valentine's Day celebration, akin to a suburban-sized reenactment of The Hangover, with Dylan stepping into Mike Tyson's shoes, minus a tiger but enhanced by a herd of life-size plastic reindeer. One wonders what the collective noun for reindeer would be—a flight of reindeer? A Christmas of reindeer? Indeed, Mitch's notion of indulging in a wild night out translates into doing a favor for neighbors who persistently adorn their home with gaudy holiday decorations. And then there's Larry, the giant white cat, now transformed into a giant, incredibly pink feline, thanks to a cherry Kool-Aid bath and a generous helping of human blood alcohol.
Dylan, the unwanted new roommate, serenades us with his latest acoustic-grunge masterpiece, a time-honored Modern Family Valentine's Day tradition. Lily, ever the problem-solver, Boots Dylan out with the assurance, "You're a big boy." It's refreshing to see Lily integral to an actual plotline rather than merely a cute kid delivering a humorous one-liner. Finally, Cam and Mitch embark on a journey inspired by the romance of Clive Bixby. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk back in again?" Cam teases, his voice breathy and eyes arching mischievously. But hold on—Cam isn't the only one donning a turtleneck and a dark jacket. Mitch too sports the same attire! A Double Bixby? A Double Bixby indeed!
If you dish out a cold open that's at least 50 percent revolving around Phil Dunphy's slapstick humor, there's an 80 percent chance I'll absolutely adore it. It's a fantastic kickoff. Claire knows precisely whom to contact at the Poison Control Center (did I think her name was Google instead of Carol?). Luke misconstrues the significance of the first word in the Revolutionary War and transforms the Battle of Bunker Hill into a "Volcano."
"We're not clichés," Mitch declares to Manny. Of course, Mitch and Cam wouldn't dream of donning feather boas at Oscar parties! Instead, they merely adorn their apartment with freshly snapped photos of Lily posing as starlets throughout the ages. "We... we're clichés," Mitch concedes, with a touch of irony perhaps too overt for an audience that often gripes about such tropes, but nevertheless, alright. And hey, just how many parties can Cam and Mitchell throw? More or fewer than The Office's heyday with its Party Planning Committee?
"I will use the baby carrier as a cane," Gloria remarks, already delivering a gem of a line, but the real highlight is Fulgencio Joe, clearly as eager to participate in the humor as the rest of the cast. He peacefully dozes off as Gloria thumps him across the room. Cam and Mitch are orchestrating a photo shoot with Lily to indulge in their clichéd ways. The little girl, overloaded with animal crackers and growing fussier by the minute, likely finds the entire situation at least slightly unnerving, so she decides to call it quits. Meanwhile, Cam is plotting a trip back to Missouri, slipping into an accent and dropping entirely fabricated heartland expressions like "dagburn."
Phil's latest shtick, as the phone rings: "Ooh, quick—nature's foolproof sunburn remedy [picks up phone]: Aloe?" For some inexplicable reason, I sense our buddy Phil has watched Ace Ventura: Pet Detective countless times. "My allergies are starting to cry," is Phil's suave excuse to end the call with Jay, who's reverting to his heartless tricks. If Modern Family concludes its run with the Dunphys in shambles and Phil heading his own spinoff, I'm all in. Just add my name to any petition that keeps this charismatic character on TV for as long as possible, I suppose.
Recall the devious plot Lily and Luke cooked up against Fulgencio Joe? (Does "F.J." even have a nice ring to it, for heaven's sake?) Now, Lily has affixed a wig to the tiny newborn's scalp, a move that hints at either the climax of their scheme or merely its inception.
"My life is a dreary, monochrome abyss devoid of melody," Manny lamented to Jay, amid his weekly rejection (yet another solo in another musical misadventure). The man possesses a remarkable talent for phrasing.
Oblivious to the demise of Manny's Broadway aspirations, Jay handed him $50 for the bus ride home. Realizing his thoughtlessness, Jay rushed to the bus and embarked on a scene so mesmerizing it felt like it was plucked from a forgotten cinematic gem. It exuded originality yet possessed a timeless quality—a moment I cherished deeply. A goofy grin spread across my face before I could curb my anxiety about Jay meeting with a calamitous car accident, thus complicating matters unnecessarily. But mercifully, they steered clear of such clichés! (On a side note about botched prophecies: Didn't everyone anticipate Manny to emerge as the unexpected bowling hero, turning Jay's stressful championship day into a triumph? And weren't we all relieved when that not only failed to materialize but also spared us an obligatory bowling alley scene? Double delight!)
Annie Mumolo, co-writer of "Bridesmaids" and cameo star in "This Is 40," who recently secured her own ABC comedy pilot, made a brief guest appearance as Claire's reunion chum. "Her skin resembles crumpled tinfoil attempted to be flattened and reused," she quipped, zinging with precision.
Another guest-star moment worthy of mention, albeit more in theory than execution, was the appearance of Bud Bundy himself, David Faustino! Donning a dashing ensemble and nicknamed Tater, he—according to the untrustworthy internet—stands at a mere five-foot-three. Tater became the unwitting target of Phil's antics, but his screen time was too fleeting (and his plotline ill-suited) for a reunion with his "Married...With Children" father. Shameful, indeed.
Phil and Claire stumble upon a genuinely intriguing and relatable marital dilemma that this season has been shying away from: Is it permissible, within the hearing range of our spouses, to ponder aloud about the alternate life paths we might have taken? (Coincidentally, "Modern Family" is currently indulging in overt fantasies about a world where Alex and Haley barely exist, save for a fleeting few seconds during the credits roll.) Enter Maribeth Monroe from "Workaholics," whose Twitter bio boldly declares, "I play a lot of bitches on TV," stopping by to portray – surprisingly, not a bitch but rather the disillusioned spouse that Claire envisions as an alluringly alluring alternative to Phil. Phil, uninhibitedly blurts out, "I'm not sure how that guy became a professor; he must've been pretty dumb to dump you." The acting prowess displayed this week is particularly commendable. For the first time in a while, Julie Bowen caught my attention for her natural, warm demeanor rather than just the written character she portrays.
Luke and Manny share yet another delightful heart-to-heart. The family engages in mutual blackmail over the baby's unfortunate haircut fiasco. We come to realize that speaking the truth doesn't necessarily incur anyone's wrath. However, the baby's terrified expression as the entire family screams in horror over the follicular disaster is somewhat unsettling. I'm not particularly fond of that scene.
Gloria's "reveal" from the spa at the end strikes me as slightly insulting. Manny may not have emerged as the unlikely bowling alley hero out of his element, but Gloria's presence at the spa was obvious all along. Nevertheless, it was a decent episode. I'm eagerly anticipating the upcoming visit to Cam's family.
