Content warning: This article touches on the subject of suicide.
Audra McDonald is sharing a poignant chapter from her life, where she reflected on her mental struggles and suicide attempt at the age of 20 while studying at The Juilliard School in New York City. "My biggest dream was to be on Broadway, to tell stories through song and to live in that place where music and emotion meet," Audra shared in a speech at the Hope for Depression Research Foundation luncheon on November 12th. "I had never been closer to my dream, and yet I had never been further away from it."
"The voice they were trying to shape wasn't mine," she continued. "The path they wanted for me wasn't the one I had dreamt of. That disconnect between who I was and who I was trying to be started to break me down."
As her mental health continued to deteriorate, she initially refused to acknowledge what she was experiencing. "I was too proud to admit that I was falling apart," Audra admitted. "I fought my whole life to get there. And now that I was there, I was lost, completely lost."
The 55-year-old shared insights into the weight of navigating her depressive episode while in school. "When you're someone who already struggles with anxiety and depression, that kind of pressure doesn't just make you tired," she said. "It eats at you. It scrambles your thoughts. It makes your own mind feel like an enemy. And I smiled through it. I joked through it, saying I was fine. I wasn't fine."
"One night, I broke. I slit my wrist," she said, ultimately calling the Student Affairs director for help. "She stayed with me. She called for help. She saved my life."
Audra was admitted to Gracie Square Hospital, a psychiatric hospital, for one month following her suicide attempt. "I was disoriented," the Private Practice alum recalled. "I was unsure of who I was anymore. It was the darkest time of my life. But it was also the beginning of my healing."
"This is important," she emphasized. "I want to say this clearly: that time I needed the medication. I needed it to keep me safe from myself."
Looking back on that time in her life, Audra—who shares daughter Sally, 9, with husband Will Swenson, and is stepmom to his and ex-wife Amy Westerby's sons Bridger and Sawyer—reflected on the hospital's name with a touch of irony or grace. "Maybe there's a little bit of beautiful irony or grace—the fact that the hospital that saved my life was called Gracie Square," she added. "At the time, I didn't understand what grace really meant. I didn't know how to give any to myself. But now all these years later, I see it differently."
Although Audra noted that it took time and a lot of therapy, she concluded, "Grace was waiting for me long before I knew how to claim it for myself."
