Last night, ABC heralded the "Modern Family" episode as a Valentine's Day-themed delight, yet curiously absent was the sight of Phil's dashing alter ego, Clive Bixby. Perhaps this absence was due to the firestorm Clive's previous Valentine's escapades ignited during Claire's recent town council debate, despite no formal charges being filed. This year, rather than indulging in the conventional romance of dinner dates, flowers, and greeting cards, "Modern Family" tackled the torturous holiday in a less conventional yet equally apt manner: by delving into the myriad forms of jealousy.
If there's any man capable of stirring Phil's green-eyed monster, it's Greg Kinnear portraying Tad, a wealthy and magnetic potential client whose life blossomed post-divorce – "living the dream," as Phil coos before quickly backpedaling to appease Claire's rightful huff. Phil harbors a brotherly admiration for Tad, inviting him over for a culinary smorgasbord that risks monotony (serving salmon to a first-time guest at the Dunphys' is a bold move). Claire, too, appears mesmerized throughout dinner as they sip more and more exquisite Malbec (Drunk Claire, anyone?). The evening sails smoothly until bid-adieus, when Tad plants a kiss square on Claire's lips (Phil misses the entire spectacle, smitten and reaching for a hug only to be politely handed a handshake). Claire's face is a canvas of emotions – pure shock, mild discomfort, a hint of thrill – yet Phil remains as unruffled as ever, chalking it up to Tad's Costa Rican customs. "That's probably how they do it there… Most zip-line their way through life," Phil reassures Claire, who knows all too well this isn't a cultural mishap. Tad lingered.
Phil doesn't even flicker an eyelash when Tad returns the next day, wine in hand and shirtless under his shirt to fix the Dunphys' kitchen table, announcing his desire for Phil to be his real estate broker. Phil gleefully accepts Tad's invitation to a celebratory dinner at his house that evening (if Claire were animated, steam would billow from her nostrils). On his way out, Tad locks lips with Claire once more, and oblivious Phil misses it again. Compounding matters, Phil condescendingly dismisses Claire's claims, thinking she's fabricating it all due to an ego boost: "Come here, pretty girl… You know you are… The other night, with makeup on? I was like, 'There she is,'" he says, grossly misjudging the situation. Ugh! When our beloved Phil utters comments more fitting of a gruff CBS sitcom husband, we yearn to slap him, just as Claire does.
It's only later, at Tad's house, that we – viewers and Claire, Phil being too distracted to notice – witness Tad kissing everyone on the lips, from the 80-year-old babysitter to his son to the dog. He's akin to a misplaced member of SNL's kissing family. Thus, Claire can exhale and genuinely revel in Tad's tales of monkey woes. It's then we learn that it's not the kissing that ignites Phil's jealousy but the laughter. "You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh," Phil confesses to the camera, sentiments echoed throughout. He then physically extracts Claire from Tad's house (another ugh!), but it's alright because Claire likes it – she's finally elicited a passionate response from Captain Oblivious. Jealousy, it seems, can indeed be romantic after all.
Meanwhile, Cam and Mitchell find themselves taking refuge at Jay and Gloria's abode as their own home undergoes fumigation. Jay, ever the comedian, unleashes a barrage of lawyer jokes, much to Mitchell's chagrin. However, Jay's demeanor shifts abruptly when he discovers that Mitchell is set to meet Booker Bell, a former radio DJ whose prankster prowess rivals that of Ashton Kutcher and whom Jay adores immensely. It's endearing to witness Jay act like a giddy fanboy at the prospect of encountering his idol, yet startling to ponder that this seasoned businessman would even contemplate crashing his son's crucial work lunch. Yet, crash he does, introducing himself with a tongue-tied flourish ("I'm Boz Scaggs," he blurts out mistakenly, his mind momentarily ensnared by the name of another of his heroes). Mitchell is flabbergasted (has that phrase become a recurring refrain in every Modern Family recap this season? My apologies!), but Booker revels in the attention, regaling his adoring fan with juicy gossip – it turns out that Booker himself lends his voice to the iconic radio character Grandma Groovy!
Later, Jay concedes that he overstepped bounds by barging into the lunch and expresses his pride in Mitchell. In return, Mitchell apologizes for being overly sensitive about the lawyer jokes (a particular favorite: "What do lawyers use as birth control? Their personalities!"). As retribution, Mitchell orchestrates a prank on Jay, courtesy of his hero, providing a fitting conclusion to a segment where the jester ultimately becomes the butt of the joke.
Even Cam and Gloria, usually such kindred spirits, cannot escape the grip of jealousy. The episode kicks off with the pair giggling, screeching, and shaking their booties on the couch as expected, but soon they turn territorial. Cam notices how Lily adores spending time with her step-grandma, and his envy spikes when they return from a girls' day out wearing matching coats – "It's like she's the baby leopard, and I'm the mama," purrs Gloria. Meanwhile, Gloria, who has never been much of a homemaker, is irked by Cam's attempts to run her household: "brightening things up," reorganizing the kitchen, dusting. With each confession to the camera, Cam and Gloria grow increasingly bitter.
Manny tries to step in, wielding his burgeoning conflict resolution skills (he's growing more like his stepdad every day). He tells each of them a (fabricated) personal story that resonates with their situations to foster understanding, but it transpires that neither cares much about "Manny's crazy friend Danielle." Their conflict culminates in a kitchen face-off that begins with furious salsa dancing but concludes after Lily presents Cam with a leopard apron that matches her and Gloria's coats. Both Cam and Gloria admit to the camera that they harbor their own insecurities. United once more, Cam and Gloria cook dinner in a synchronized dance routine that rivals The Big Chill for kitchen choreography. Like Fred and Ginger, indeed!
Luke adopts a different tack to resolve a conflict within his own home. It seems Haley made the mistake of capitalizing a few words in her college essays, leading some admissions offices to believe she's a Big Sister. Oops! Her parents force her to volunteer, and she surprisingly finds joy in it. Her Little Sister Annie is a sweet, adorable underprivileged girl who, unfortunately, becomes merely a pawn in the Dunphy daughters' drama. Is it mere coincidence that Cam referenced The Help earlier in the episode, and then when the Dunphy girls actually have an African-American girl in their room, Alex behaves like a Hilly Holbrook-esque brat? Alex, the lowercase little sister, is envious of the attention Haley lavishes on her uppercase Little Sister, and we'd almost feel sorry for her if she had made any effort to be welcoming or inclusive toward Annie. But Alex is too preoccupied with snarking at Haley to bother. So after Annie leaves, Luke calls both Alex and Haley out for being terrible big sisters to him – neither ever pays him any heed. So true! But the girls recall happier times when Luke was their little sister – they'd dress him up, put makeup on him, and call him Betty Luke. In an ultimate act of selflessness, Luke allows them to resurrect Betty Luke once more, in the name of sisterly harmony. If that's not love, what is?
