Alright, it seems she wasn't all that vicious. Yet, comedian Nikki Glaser still delivered some sharp-edged humor during her maiden voyage as the Golden Globes' host. Glaser skillfully navigated the delicate balance between poking fun at numerous celebrities in attendance without crossing into full-on roast territory. Her wit was directed at the likes of Timothée Chalamet, Harrison Ford, Nicole Kidman, Ben Affleck, as well as "Wicked" and "Joker 2." Additionally, she incorporated a sprinkle of political humor, including a zinger about Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Below is a compilation of Glaser's most dazzling jokes from her opening monologue at the 82nd Golden Globe Awards:
"This feels like a dream come true. I'm in a room filled with producers at the Beverly Hilton, and for once, all my clothes are intact. It was absolutely worth the wait."
"I'm not here to roast you. How could I? You're all so renowned, so skilled, so influential. You could practically do anything — except guide the nation on who to vote for. But no worries, you'll get 'em next time!"
"'Wicked,' 'Queer,' 'Nightbitch' — these aren't just words Ben Affleck utters post-coital bliss. They're actually some of the breathtaking films nominated tonight."
"Zendaya, your portrayal in 'Dune' was nothing short of phenomenal. I stayed awake for all your scenes. And 'Challengers'? That was more sexually tense than Diddy's credit card statement. This year's after-party might not be as fabulous, but we must press on. I know 'Stanley Tucci Freak Off' doesn't quite have the same cachet."
"If you're tuning in on CBS, hello there! If you're watching on Paramount+, you have six days left to cancel your free trial. Tonight, we celebrate the pinnacle of cinema — and make room for television's brilliance."
"As I glance around, I see some of the hardest-working actors in the industry — and I'm referring to your waitstaff."
"Tilda Swinton is, of course, nominated this year for her role as… Timothée Chalamet? Timothée Chalamet, you possess the most enchanting eyelashes — on your upper lip. That's a fabulously quirky look. You were outstanding in 'A Complete Unknown' as Bob Dylan. I read that your singing voice was so spot-on that even Bob Dylan himself admitted it was dreadfully off-key."
"I wasn't too familiar with 'Wicked' before this year because my high school friends… Everyone loved 'Wicked.' I loved 'Wicked.' My boyfriend loved 'Wicked.' My boyfriend's boyfriend absolutely loved 'Wicked'!"
— "In 'Wicked,' some viewers lamented that the film's magic was spoiled by the unwelcome melody of singing voices. And then, in 'Joker 2,' others groaned that the cinematic experience was shattered by the visuals on screen and their accompanying sounds. I apologize, 'Joker 2,' but where is your table? Ah, they're absent from this gathering."
— "The legendary Harrison Ford graces us with his presence tonight. Backstage, after placing his drink order, I engaged him in a conversation. I asked, 'Would you prefer to collaborate with Zendaya or Ariana?' And he mischievously replied, 'Indica,' leaving us all in a puzzle."
— "'The Bear,' 'The Penguin,' and 'Baby Reindeer' are not mere contents of R.F.K.'s freezer; they are the television shows that have garnered nominations tonight, capturing our hearts and minds."
— "Nicole Kidman is here for her role in 'Babygirl,' a film so exquisite that it earns my highest commendation—two thumbs up! Nicole, this marks your 20th Golden Globe nomination. It's incredible! Thank you for your tireless dedication. And a heartfelt thank you to Keith Urban for playing the guitar so much at home that Nicole feels compelled to venture out and make 18 movies a year!"
— "Eddie Redmayne ventured into television this year, earning a nomination for Peacock's 'The Day of the Jackal.' It's a tale of a top-secret elite sniper—a shadowy figure so elusive that no one can see him…because he's hidden among Peacock's vast offerings."
— "This evening promises to be unforgettable, perhaps not in the way you might imagine. I foresee a scenario five years from now, where you're watching old clips of this ceremony on YouTube. You'll spot someone in the crowd and exclaim, 'Oh my God, that was before they caught that person!' It could be a woman, of course. Though I suspect it's more often a man, it doesn't rule out the possibility of a woman."
— "Emilia Pérez has garnered 10 nominations for Netflix with her work, and I absolutely loved it. Without a shadow of a doubt, it is the most daring, groundbreaking film to ever autoplay after 'Is It Cake,' setting a new benchmark in cinematic surprises."
— "Glen Powell, you've truly been everywhere – from 'Twisters' to 'Hit Man,' even in the background of my thoughts during intimate moments with my boyfriend. Thank you immensely for your contributions; I'll catch you tonight." — "Just a friendly reminder, if fortune doesn't favor you tonight, keep in mind that the essence of creating art transcends award-winning. It's about igniting a tequila revolution."
As the awards ceremony approached, Glaser shared numerous insights with the media about her hosting duties and teased her monologue plan, reassuring everyone it wouldn't be as fiery as her usual roast material.
The comedian, known for her streaming specials and numerous roast appearances, spoke with Yahoo Entertainment in her typical hyper-analytical fashion, revealing she aimed to strike a delicate balance between humor and appropriateness. "I'm fulfilling my role as the host, a gig I secured thanks to the [Netflix] Tom Brady roast. I'm well aware of that, and I'll definitely bring that energy here. It won't be diluted, but the tone will differ," she said.
"I won't push the envelope to the point of offending anyone," she added. "I've consciously avoided that, not wanting to disappoint those hoping for a Ricky Gervais-like performance. I'm not Ricky Gervais. This is my maiden Golden Globes voyage, not my swan song. He really went all out in his final appearance, ready to burn bridges because it didn't matter anymore." (Gervais, meanwhile, tweeted the two jokes he would have considered using to open the show.)
Glaser also mentioned she wouldn't crack jokes about the recent 'It Ends with Us' scandal, despite it being a Hollywood hot topic for weeks. "The Blake Lively-Justin Baldoni saga is such a sensitive issue right now that even mentioning it might make me appear biased, though I never would be. I also don't want to give him any more attention – I'm irritated that I even know his name, honestly. So, I don't need to mention it again," she said.
Glaser herself was nominated for an award – Best Performance in Stand-Up Comedy on Television for her HBO special 'Someday You'll Die.'
